Be ready when the mood strikes.

ObscureSportsmas Day 1: We believe these are something every Obscure Sports fan needs. Keep them in the trunk of your car for those spontaneous kickball or Wiffle Ball games. Around $15 when all said and done and we always suggest finding them at a locally owned and operated sporting goods store when possible.

Become "King of Cornhole"

ObscureSportsmas Day 2: Our friends at the American Cornhole Organization have a good selection of cornhole boards and bags. They even do custom designs. We recommend going with ACO in case you ever want to go Pro and become King of Cornhole. These are the real deal and officially sanctioned boards. Of course any handy person can make their own which is also cool. If you aren’t a person that can go to the local hardware store/lumberyard without cutting a limb off (like I am), we also suggest trying to find someone local.

Coolest video camera ever!

ObscureSportsmas Day 3: This isn’t so much as an Obscure Sports gift as it is a tool to make playing and viewing your Obscure Sports much more awesomer. Yeah, I said awesomer and it’s exactly what I meant. Let this camera take viewers inside a roller derby jam or come up close and personal with a ball to the melon while playing dodgeball. Take to the field or court or table and feel like you are right there in the action. I love gadgets and this tops my list. If ya got the scratch, pick one up at http://www.goprocamera.com/ for $259. Be sure to accessorize yourself with the proper mounting gear.

Don't forget the popcorn

ObscureSportsmas Day 4: For the movie fan try the Roller Derby Movie Pack. Of course we haven’t actually found them for sale in an actual movie pack, but you get the idea. Any Obscure Sport movie is alright with us. Start off with Jam (2006). A documentary about the rise and fall of the female skaters in the late 60’s over the span on 7 years. Then move on to the next roller derby wave which started in 2001. Hell on Wheels is an indie documentary following the revival of one of the sexiest Obscure Sports, starting with the ladies in Austin. Pretty solid soundtrack as well. The last film is Whip It. We know what you are going to say. We didn’t give this one a glowing review in our Sept/Oct issue, but I have seen many good reviews on it, so I am sure there are plenty of people out there that will like it. We’re just not one of them.

Beer Pong made finer

ObscureSportsmas Day 5: What is better than playing Beer Pong? Beer Pong with a little flavor called Pong Deck. Nothing says uber-cool than making a drinking game out of a drinking game. Genius! We did a little test run when we first got the cards and let me let ya… these guys are on to something. I know there are some Beer Pong purists out there that will shutter at the fact that someone is messing with the game. That’s fine. Anyone wanting a change of pace to the already great game, we at Obscure Sports Magazine would suggest picking up a set. Cost is about $10… big deal and if you don’t like it, you got yourself some coasters or some flying discs you could make a different game out of.

Sets up almost anywhere

ObscureSportsmas Day 6: Look we all play backyard/tailgating games and what is the one thing that annoys you the most (aside from losing to your friends)? The age old question of, “Where do I put my beer while playing?” Of course you always play with one in your hand, but I am talking about the back-up, or if you’re like me and two-fist it all the time, the “other” one. Whether you play bags, cornhole, or Baggo, it doesn’t matter. You could play ladder golf, redneck golf, or testicle toss. It makes no difference. The Backyard Barkeep will help you keep score, keep your drink in the upright position and basically make your life easier as the arguing over the score will almost come to an end. I said almost because there is always that one dude that tries to cheat or at least tries to make himself feel better after you stomped him by 10. Do you and your friends a favor and get this thing. I didn’t know what I was missing until I picked one up.

ObscureSportsmas Day 7: Back to roller derby for a second. This one should be a no-brainer, but season tickets to the roller derby organization in your area. The great thing is that a lot of the roller derby seasons are starting up soon or are very early in the season, so you didn’t miss much. So go on, splurge a bit this holiday season and have some fun at some of the finest Obscure Sports entertainment around.

FleetVelo - The Joust

ObscureSportsmas Day 8: I couldn’t leave out our hardcourt bike polo friends this Christmas season. I am not going to act like an expert on bike polo and the equipment they should be using. Hardly! Most bike polo-ists scrap together their own rigs from used parts or a simple trip to the hardware store so I am not surprised you don’t see many companies making bike polo specific frames. I’m sure the underground nature of the sport has something to do with it as well. I did see that a few companies are coming out with some newer designed frames in the coming year. We did come across FleetVelo and their bike called The Joust which was released in the spring of 2009. This thing looks awesome and from what I understand is a pretty solid ride. BMX bike company FBM is another company coming out with new bike polo rigs next year, and if you can’t wait, they do have a solid frame called The Sword which you can grab.

Well, here at OBSCURE SPORTS MAGAZINE we like to spice things up a bit. Maybe you have heard of this “little craze” called roller derby? If not, get out from under that rock you have been hiding and get with it because you are in for a real treat. Uproar on the Lakeshore is the championship tournament for all the region winners from around the county and it is happening this weekend in Chicago at the UIC Pavilion. You can get more info here.

Starting today and going until the first whistle at 2:00pm central time on Friday, you are able to fill out your tournament bracket for a chance to win a prize. Nothing major, but we thought we would give props to a pretty damn cool sport.

There is no entry fee (because I am think that is illegal), so just fill out the brackets here and submit by email by 2pm central time tomorrow. Real easy to do, just type out who you think is going to win each bout, add your name and email address towards the bottom of the page and click the <submit by email> button. Each correct answer will win you points. The person with the most points will win the fabulous prize. I will contact the winner next week to get their info to send them their winnings. Please remember to ass your name and email. Otherwise, how I am to know who won? Also, any entries received after 2pm tomorrow will not be eligible.

Interested in seeing who is winning the bouts but can’t make it to Chicago to see it for yourself? Check out Derby News Network for live streaming coverage you can watch from your computer.

Spread the word and good luck to all the ladies rollering in the derby this weekend!!

This fall, MUSA turns 10!

Once upon a time adult recreational team sports were limited to action-packed games often first introduced to skillful participants at the club, high school or collegiate level.  Softball, volleyball, and soccer leagues were popular and plentiful around the country.

A resurgence of interest in childhood games and vintage sports has created new opportunities for a growing community of athletes, extroverts, wallflowers, and aficionados. The variety of both co-ed and single-sex adult recreational sports has exploded over the years and leagues now offer year-round opportunities to play kickball, dodgeball, wiffle ball and more. Tournaments for games like cornhole, beer pong, flip cup, and roshambo are organized, well-attended and often include prize money.  As both old and new leagues develop different ways to continue the evolution of adult recreational sports, it’s apparent that it takes some strategy and commitment for a league to maintain its popularity.

The Midwestern Unconventional Sports Association (MUSA) celebrates its 10 year anniversary this fall and its longevity makes me wonder, what have been the contributing factors to its success? MUSA offers opportunities for adults to play kickball, dodgeball, putt-putt golf, basketball, volleyball and soccer. Several months ago I played my first adult kickball game ever on a MUSA team. The Virgin Territory experience made me re-evaluate my perception of the league and realize there was more to it than just playing a game.

To get a behind-the-scenes understanding of the league I asked founder, Joe Szatmary (aka “Da Commish”), about MUSA’s evolution from an idea to a thriving association since 2000.

Joe Szatmary (aka Da_Commish)

OSM: Is it mind-boggling to you that MUSA and kickball have survived ten years?

JS: I have mixed thoughts on this. Yes, the fact that we have been around 10 years and grown to the size we have is a bit nuts. However, when you look at the simplicity and fun of the game, it doesn’t seem so shocking. Kickball has always been a great game and I don’t see that going away. As long as we keep doing a good job running the league and tourneys with a few fresh twists added here and there, I think folks will continue to want to have fun with us.

OSM: Will MUSA last another ten years?  How, and why or why not?

JS: It really depends.  If folks keep having fun with it and we’re able to accomplish some of our goals to develop league opportunities for all skill levels, I think there is still a lot of room to run with this.  The MUSA mindset welcomes a broad range of players and we try to keep it interesting for all. We have teams that mix well together competitively and socially, and many individuals that want to play more than once a week. There’s no reason for the fun to end yet.

OSM: Do you think kickball is the primary reason the league has become so popular or have the other sports contributed to the league’s growth as well?

JS: The primary reason we’re still around is because there are fun people who have wanted to see us thrive as a league – a good mix of players and field monitors.  Dodgeball isn’t the most user-friendly sport, although it truly is spectacular.  I think what we offer with league play and tourneys, as well as other events, rounds things out a bit but kickball seems to be our bread and butter.

OSM: What was the best advice you received when you tossed around the idea of starting a kickball league?

JS: It wasn’t advice really, but more of a rhetorical question. “So, you are going to go ahead and do this, right?” So I did. After the league was created, the advice to have a spring season and not wait a full year after the fall season was pretty great too.

OSM: What was the biggest roadblock to getting the league started?  To expand it?

JS: At the time, kickball wasn’t really on the radar so there was a stigma associated with playing – a sense that it was somehow athletically inferior.  That was all well and good though because we had a solid group that signed up just to have a good time, play some kickball and party hard afterwards.  Getting that initial 100 people was a bit tough, as was getting a parks and recreation coordinator to grasp that fact that adults wanted to use a softball field for something other than softball.  Expansion really has been a function of finding the right people who want to run with the idea in their own market.  We have been pretty hands off with our affiliated leagues, but do offer support with the website, insurance and inclusion in our Golden Lunchbox tournament at the end of the spring and fall seasons.  In the end though, if you don’t have someone to do the leg work in new markets, you can’t expand. Period.

Just another kickball night!

OSM: Do you think there are enough kickball virgins still out there and what’s the best bait to get them on the field?

JS: Yeah, I think so.  It’s really just getting the word out, and better yet having ‘em lace up a pair of shoes and start playing.

OSM: If you could invite 2-3 kickball celebrities and/or founders of kickball leagues to dinner, who would you pick and why?

JS: Well, I would like to meet most other independent league founders and explore how we can make kickball more centralized.  I’m not talking all leagues necessarily under one roof, just something where there is an agreement or an attempt to promote the idea of multi-league participation in every league’s major tournaments.  I would like to get more involved with the leaders at Kickball365.com too, but there are a lot of differences in play, such as size of the kickball.  Also, manbunting was and generally is a huge taboo for us, but some leagues openly discuss and give props to guys who are good bunters. In the end I think a system where teams travel to cities and play the rules of the host league provides proof that a team is solid no matter the circumstances.  That would be some great kickball to play and to watch.

OSM: What ideas are you scheming up for the fall season?

JS: A website redesign, new ball and dropping down a player defensively.  We’re also trying to come up with a fun tourney format for teams that don’t make the Golden Lunchbox tourney.

OSM: Most people don’t keep the same jobs or homes ten years any more but there are people who have been playing since 2000.  You’ve managed to maintain accountability for the league and employ other people to administer it.  How were you able to start a family, switch jobs, train for the Ironman twice and keep kickball in your life, as well as the lives of others during this time period?

JS:  I try to appreciate the fact that there are opportunities to do things in this world.  Not taking some risks or putting no effort into life isn’t an option for me.  Admittedly, I have been stretched a bit thin some of the past 4-5 years and appreciate the efforts of those who have helped keep the league humming. Over the years, I’ve counted on people who’ve wanted to put in the time and see MUSA continue to grow.  I’m always interested in talking to people who want to take an idea and run with it to improve the league.

OSM: What obscure sport would you be willing to try for an OSM Virgin Territory article? Or what sport would you like to see covered?

JS: Hook me up with some sponsors, someone who knows how to orienteer and some other crazy bastards and I would love to do an Eco-Challenge adventure race.  Or some ultra-running events.  Give me a call if you need someone to try a sport with some running or biking.

OSM: How has kickball changed your pace of life and what you do for fun?

JS: Four kids have changed my pace of life and how I enjoy kickball.  It’s not so much about partying for me now as it is trying to help promote and provide a fun league for the people that play in it.  Besides being a big kid with my own family, I enjoy endurance athletics and coming up with other goofy ideas to get people together – be it kickball related or otherwise.  I like to play kickball on one fun and one competitive team every season.  I’d love to try indoor kickball one of these winters.

OSM: What do you think it is about MUSA and the game of kickball that keeps people coming back to play and be part of the organization?

JS: Hopefully, that we provide great value and a fun, high-quality experience.

OSM: Thanks, Joe. It’s obvious the past 10 years have created a lot of memories and it sounds like there are still many more to be had. Congrats and good luck.

It’s true that the success of the league is dependent on continued interest and new blood. However, it wouldn’t be what it is without a few key players. I asked two of the MUSA originals to tell me about their experiences over the years.

Mark Nelson, aka Nelly, joined MUSA in 2000 after hearing about it on campus. Prior to kickball he was involved with local softball leagues and social organizations but says he’s become more involved with kickball than any of the others. He contributes his dedication to the casual atmosphere and the opportunity to meet new friends and stay active.  “Kickball isn’t the most grueling thing, but it’s nice to get outside and hang out with friends and play a sport most of us grew up with,” said Nelly.

When asked if surprised that MUSA is celebrating ten years, he said he’s most amazed by the resilience so many players and teams have had. “There are many teams closing in on 20 seasons in the league.  It’s pretty remarkable to look at pictures of all of us from, say 2002, you can see a noticeable age difference,” he explained, “That is something you don’t really notice year after year. It’s also pretty remarkable to see how it all has evolved in terms of playing style and skill level.  The skilled teams now are much better than the skilled teams 7+ years ago.”

Ray Roberts, more commonly known in the kickball world as Mundoman or Ray Ray, found MUSA in fall 2001 when a friend heard a commercial on a local rock station and called him. Ray states that kickball has since become his life and cites his involvement as a catalyst to many great friendships. “This league has become my social outlet. I have met so many great people; some don’t even play,” he said, “Of the 25 greatest people ever in my life, 50 percent of them I have met in this league and I am proud to call them friends.”

While the main competition is to be league champions and earn the highly coveted “Golden Lunchbox,” there is also the unofficial challenge of coming up with the best team name. Of the over 1500 team names, Nelly is a fan of “Kicktosporidium” and “Doo Doo Chop.” Ray listed The SituRaytion, Ray’s Anatomy and Ray-Ray’s Angels among his favorites.

Will it last another 10?

Over the past ten years, MUSA has evolved into a thriving organization and social lifeline for many. The fact that more than 1700 teams have taken the field over 16,000 times since MUSA’s inception is pretty solid evidence that the organization provides an environment and social outlet many have come to rely on. As new recreational sports hit the mainstream and vie for a spot in the hearts of obscure sport enthusiasts and weekend warriors, the next ten years depend on the continued loyalty of the current members and the recruitment of new talent.

Abandon ship!!

At first I wasn’t really sure what to expect from Red Bull’s Flugtag.  This event has never been held in Minnesota, and my experience was limited to seeing brief commercial snippets on TV over the years.  I always thought it looked extremely goofy and wondered what these poor saps were thinking trusting their lives to flying machines that looked like they were made out of popsicle sticks, chewing gum, and flimsy fabric.  However, as I strolled through the hangar area to get a look at all the entries prior to the event, I was astounded at the creativity and showmanship.  It was obvious to me that several teams had put hours of effort and a lot of money into their designs.  The North Star Roller Girls’ entry was a giant winged roller skate, and other entries included picture-perfect replicas of the St. Paul skyline, a World War II B-25 bomber, Snoopy’s dog house, the Jetsons’ flying saucer, and the Griswold’s station wagon from National Lampoon’s Family Vacation, to name a few.

Along with the actual flying machines, all of the teams were dressed in costumes related to their themes.  There was a team of purple-clad Princes standing next to their little red Corvette, while a team of zombies stood near their flying coffin.  Gilligan, Mary Ann, Ginger, and the Skipper waved to the crowd as they passed the SS Minnow.  The spectators mingled among the designs, taking pictures with the costumed teams and laying bets as to which entries might actually get some air and which would immediately plummet into the river.  I must say I didn’t have a lot of faith in most of the entries getting very far, but there were a few I thought had a great chance and I was hoping the winged skate would claim the North Star Roller Girls a spot in Flugtag history.

Doesn't quite have the distance.

As the teams began lining up near the ramp that led to the launch platform, a group of us claimed a spot with a great view of both the platform and one of the giant Jumbotrons which would provide close-up footage of each entry’s skit, flight, and post-flight interviews. Yes, that’s right – not only did each team have to construct a homemade flying machine, but the four pushers and the pilot also had to choreograph and perform a skit that corresponded to their theme atop the platform.  I had planned to stay only until after NSRG’s launch, which was at position #17.  But once it got underway, there was no pulling myself away.  The spectacle was too great.  And a spectacle it was.

The skits mostly involved dance routines to songs about flying or to songs that corresponded directly to the theme of the entry.  There were also a few sports-themed performances with a Brett Favre impersonator throwing footballs in the Mississippi River.  NSRG did a little something different and highlighted how important the role of pusher was to the Flugtag by dancing to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It.”  My favorite skit involved the zombie team dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” a routine they practiced for over two months prior to the event.  It was very well done and an awesome sight to see.

Also awesome to see?  One flying machine after another being pushed off the launch platform and plummeting directly into the river, followed closely by the team members.  I would say the vast majority of the entries did not make it more than 30 to 40 feet from the platform.  A few of the designs broke before even making it off the platform.  Apparently homemade contraptions shaped like coffins, hamburgers, penguins, Zambonis, Corvettes, dog houses, station wagons, narwhals, and penalty boxes just weren’t meant to fly.

The record for the longest Flugtag flight was set in Austria in 1991, the first year Red Bull held the Flugtag:  195 feet.  As more and more entries launched and crashed, I began to believe that record would continue to stand.  Then the replica of the World War II B-25 bomber sprung into action.  The glider was built by Major Trouble and the Dirty Dixies, a team of aeronautical engineers from Inver Grove Heights, MN.  It began its flight atop a metal tower that detached from the glider once it was pushed off the platform.  The team hoped this would give the aircraft extra altitude and keep it from nose-diving straight into the water, a fate that several of the other entries had already succumbed to.  The glider also had a lever system that raised the nose and was flown by a licensed pilot, which combined to help them surpass the 195 foot buoy marking the long-standing world record and land 207 feet from the platform.  Entry #10 had already set a new world record and there were still 15 entries to go!

I wish I could say that the North Star Roller Girls’ flying skate went on to top Major Trouble and the Dirty Dixies or even come close to the previous world record.  But alas, the skate plummeted to the water, launching the pilot, Aurora Whorealis, into the air before she and it hit the water with great force.  However, their spirits weren’t crushed; 90,000 people cheered them on as being one of the best crashes of the day and they were later featured on the cover of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and the evening news.

North Star Roller Girls

If I learned anything from this spectacle, it’s that  Flugtag isn’t just about flying, competing to win first place, and breaking world records, (which Major Trouble and the Dirty Dixies would end up doing after all 35 entries took flight.)  It’s also about entertainment, showmanship, and the best crashes – just like roller derby.  Which is why the next time Red Bull’s Flugtag comes to town, you can bet there will be another entry piloted by North Star Roller Girls.  And hopefully the next skate will fly even farther.  I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to start drinking that Red Bull now, if it really does give you wings.

Join the North Star Roller Girls on Facebook

How hard can it be?

A few months ago, I wrote an article in the May issue of Obscure Sports Magazine about unusual tailgate games and there was one I just HAD to try – Beer Darts. It seemed to be the perfect combination of danger and friendly, one-on-one competition, and you even get to sit down while playing! Or, perhaps it was this awesome instructional video.  So informative!  So entertaining.   Regardless of the reason, I made a vow to myself that I was going to play this game before summer’s end.

A July camping trip with 15 or so of my closest friends seemed like the perfect opportunity to test it out. An encouraging, informative email was sent to our camping compatriots letting them know that we were going to try out a new game, but not to worry, we had all the equipment.  While this is a group of folks that love to play games, the prospect of beer darts was met with a bit of trepidation. However, my fiancé, Kevin, was supportive of my beer dart dream and having viewed the video himself, was game. He even made a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up the needed beer dart materials; 2 rubber floor mats and a pack of steel-tip dart (we obviously own camping chairs).  After packing up the car for our trip, we realized that we had forgotten the cardboard used as shields, but since the video said it wasn’t mandatory….

Off we go!

The first to arrive at our campsite, Kevin and I quickly picked the best place to pitch our tent, dipped ourselves in DEET and we were ready for some beer dart action. As our friends trickled in, two by two, we figured this was the perfect time to begin our beer dart adventure.  So, we set up 2 camping chairs, roughly 10 feet apart, put a rubber floor mat in front of each one, grabbed 2 cans of the cheapest swill we had and one of the darts and were ready to pop our beer dart cherries.

The first few rounds were uneventful, with neither Kevin nor I hitting the can or even the floor mat. This is when we discovered the first drawback to beer darts – dirt. Because, you see, if you aren’t hitting the can or the floor mat, the dart lands in the dirt.  Thus we arrived at revelation #1- a cup of water ala beer pong to rinse the dirty dart. The dirt became a particular problem once Kevin made his first hit – completely puncturing the bottom of the can, forcing me to down the entire beer in one sitting.  Yes, on my first attempt at beer darts, I had to slam an entire can of beer (something I hadn’t done since college.) Dirt gritting in my teeth, I vowed revenge. After a few more rounds with snarky banter being tossed back and forth – SUCCESS!  I hit Kevin’s can, forcing him to down half of his beer. Never one to back down from a challenge, he quickly retaliated, hitting my can 2 times.  By now, I was getting a buzz.  I’m no lightweight either, I’m from Wisconsin! I can hold my own against the best of them! However, some of our more adventurous friends had arrived and were eager to play, so I gracefully bowed out, letting our friend Dan take a turn against the reigning camping champ.  Dan was a much more worthy opponent, making a much more action packed game. Which brings us to revelation #2- if you are good at darts, it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ll be able to hold your own at beer darts.

Got it!

While Dan and Kevin continued to battle for the beer dart crown, one of our more safety-conscious friends arrives, willing to play, but with a hefty cardboard box in tow. “Hey, aren’t you guys supposed to use cardboard as a shield or something?” he asked. We noted the thoughtfulness of this gesture and continued to play.  I played a round or two against Dan, even winning a game. I seemed to be improving and was eager to test out my skills against a new opponent or two, but alas, most of our friends were fearful of this new, exciting game and instead were content to entertain themselves with more sedate activities, such as beer pong and staring into the fire.  This largely limited our playing time, as beer darts with 3-4 people can quickly lead to out of control drunkenness.  So, we decided to take a break to eat, socialize and recruit.

After fortifying ourselves with grilled meats, we decided to resume game play, despite the threat of darkness.  Soon, we actually recruited two new players, Mike and Rachel. They insisted on playing against one another, as I decided to take photos and Dan and Kevin are known to cause shenanigans.  Their game began uneventfully, much like our earlier games; neither player hitting the can, the floor mat, etc… Then, DISASTER.

I turned my head away from the action for just a second, but quickly turned back once I heard a lone, quiet … oh. Shit. I look at Rachel’s stunned expression and scanned down. Oh. MY GOD. The steel-tipped dart was sunk all the way into her calf. Everyone sat in stunned silence, not knowing what to do.  Then someone (most likely Dan) says- “Take a picture!” Shaking off my initial shock at seeing a metal DART stuck in someone’s leg, I gather my sensibilities, pick up the camera and click. An unforgettable moment, captured forever.

Hey! Hey! There's something in my leg!

After a few more stunned seconds….minutes? Someone wiser than me advises Rachel to remove the dart from her calf. Luckily, an Eagle Scout was on hand, complete with a fully stocked First Aid kit.  Fortunately the blood wasn’t copious and Rachel was a trooper. Soon she was good as new and the only thing left to worry about was a possible infection and what her soon-to-arrive husband was going to do to Mike once he found out that he impaled his wife.

Mike meanwhile is sitting in his camp chair, frozen in horror.  You see, while everyone knew that somehow, some way, SOMEONE was going to get injured on this adventure, most likely from beer darts, no one thought the culprit would be the mostly sober, cardboard-bringing father of 3.  After ensuring that Rachel was 1. Okay and 2. Not going to kill him, Mike declared that he was NEVER going to play beer darts ever again and began taking a straw poll on whether the soon-to-arrive husband was going to kill or sue him.  (Since they are cousins, neither happened.)

Later on that evening, and the next day, despite all odds, a few of us did resume playing beer darts, but not until we created shields out of the aforementioned cardboard box and only in the daylight. While still enjoyable, this method of beer darts was a lot more unwieldy and a lot less dangerous.  Despite the tragic event that occurred, I’d still recommend giving beer darts a whirl.  It will definitely be something memorable to enhance your camping, tailgating or yard party experience.  Of course, I wasn’t maimed in any way. However, I’d strongly suggest acquiring some sort of shin guard or at the very least, use.the.freaking.cardboard.  And no matter what- Respect and fear the dart.

Whip It, the debut directorial work of Drew Barrymore, has gained some new viewers in the last week as the former child star’s newest film, rom-com Going The Distance, hit the theaters and she hit the press circuit.  In recent weeks, reporters have been asking what her follow up project would be, as if this was like asking Martin Scorsese how he would answer The Departed with Shutter Island.  I won’t be waiting in anticipation for her next work because her first film plays out as if the plot was ripped from the pages of Barrymore’s teenage diary.  Watching a girl rebel in modern cinema is nothing new and, honestly, it has been done well – Ellen Page, star of Whip It, did it expertly within her Oscar-nominated turn in Juno – but Barrymore is sold on the fact that her female protagonist is righteous.  Sure, but compared to other characters, she is also fantastically boring.

The story wants to be about a young girl’s rise to Austin metropolitan underground roller derby fame as “Babe Ruthless” (Page), but it is, truthfully, a classic trojan horse: it’s the story of a girl with mommy issues. Page’s mother (the normally superb Marcia Gay Harden) wants her to be the pageant queen, which is the film’s first leap of faith. Ellen Page has as much charisma and beauty to wear a tiara as I do – and don’t say “that’s the point” because if it is, that’s just deus ex machina in the cruelest way.  Anyway, Page decides that’s not a quirky enough fate so she decides to try out for a local roller derby squad, the Hurl Scouts.  This is where the film could have been redeemed – focusing on the sport and an interesting set of supporting players would have buoyed the film until its conclusion.  It could have been a classier and less slapstick version of Baseketball, but instead, the sport is simply there for set pieces while barely holding together scenes of familial conflict and a lackluster romance subplot.

I can sum up my feelings towards Page’s character in two words: who cares.  Unfortunately, conflicts of abuse and neglect are truly the only ones that fictionally work within a good movie.  The mother-daughter rivalry plot of Whip It boils down to a girl screaming in histrionics that she wants to skate instead of sashaying down a stage.  Just say it, and you’ll have a rocky relationship with your mother for a couple of months.  Oh man, call Herman Mankiewicz, we got a classic on our hands!  Ellen Page is a versatile actress, but she’s given such an unforgiving and sleepy role by her equally unforgiving and sleepy director.  Page fills the running time with a dead-eyed teenage angst that would make the most Seattle-y grunge band weep.  And her romantic relationship with brooding musician Oliver (Landon Pigg) is thinly constructed, as if Barrymore hit “alternative guitarist” on a dart board when filling out the character list.

Page's character = who cares?

The most frustrating element of the film is what could’ve been the most interesting aspect – roller derby.  While coverage of the sport is limited, I’ve lived in a city with an active roller derby following, and I know the joys of the game.  Just like The Monster Squad is amazing despite its childish flaws, roller derby is an excellent watch even though the players are not necessarily “type A” athletes.  But that’s the beauty of the derby – anyone with enough tenacity and spirit can show up, kick ass, and entertain a crowd.  This side of the game is represented in such a schizophrenic fashion in Barrymore’s film.  The director occasionally gets the message across, as she does with the presence of mother and team leader Maggie Mayhem (Kristin Wiig, in a less-than-memorable performance), but other times, she seems content in just letting people play stereotypes.  The supporting teammates are depicted as they probably were in the initial script treatment: token black girl (Eve), foreign badass (Zoe Bell), and even Barrymore herself plays the brain-dead tough chick.

Unsurprisingly, the only element of the film that holds up is Babe Ruthless’ civilian best friend Pash (Alia Shawkat).  Most will recognize Shawkat as Maeby from defunct show Arrested Development.  Sometimes you forget that Page is suppose to be a young girl as she’s playing against thirty-something women in most scenes, and Shawkat’s Pash is the only reminder of that.  The setups and dialogue between Shawkat and Page are the most realistic in the entire film, mainly because Pash is so damn likable and sane.

Not all Barrymore's fault

This isn’t all Drew Barrymore’s fault – the source material is less-than-inspired and most of the actresses that fill the frame are phoning in mediocre performances.  But Barrymore should have reached out and found a capable editor and provided her own spin to the plot.  Hell, Stephen King hated Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining because the director changed too much.  There isn’t enough of a voice in Whip It, and there wasn’t a steady hand guiding it beyond just getting a lot of film in the can (does the film really need to be as long as it was?).  If this is what Drew Barrymore intended to produce, then she should just quit while she’s still getting acting gigs.  The film and its director seem to think that roller derby is a means to an end for all involved, but really, the sport is just a collection of misfits beating the crap out of each other.

Don’t overanalyze everything, Hollywood.

Holy good god – radball?  The single most succint and truthful sports name of all time?  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best thing to come out of Germany since the Instrument of Surrender: radball.

The objective of radball is, similar to most sports in the world, to score a goal with a ball.  The only difference here is the ball is filled with horsehair and the only way to score is using the wheels of a fixed gear bicycle.  Two teams of two attempt to put a small ball into a roughly six-foot tall goal on both sides of a small court using only three methods of scoring: the front wheel, the back wheel, and in rare instances, the head of a player.  One player, who is assigned with defending the goal, is allowed to use hands to keep lobbed shots out, but is required to drop the ball back to the playing surface. Scoring the game differs from league to league, with some adopting a time game while others play until a maximum score is reached.

If you think those rules sound more difficult than other sports, you are correct.  Watching teams play radball is the only way to appreciate the athleticism and control needed for the game.  Look for “radball” or “cycle ball” on YouTube to get a better glimpse of the artistry in this sport.

Surprisingly, this is not the result of recent drunken spells between the Germans and their bicycles – the sport has been around since the late 1800’s.  There are over 500 cycle ball clubs and leagues around the world, most concentrated in Europe but colleges in the United States have begun to establish radball teams.

I do have to say, way to pick something classy though. Better than the leopard print matching bra and panties. Nothing says trash like animal print.

Oh, and I see you got the breath spray. Very handy in your pocket. You must have heard the rumors around the office that you are the dude with the stank breath.  Fresh breath and no back hair will get you one step closer to that promotion from team lush to team lover.  Don’t forget to take your sock home – the one behind you on the stair – not the one in your pants.

Don’t worry, what’s the worst that can happen if I take this picture? It’s not like this picture is going to be in a magazine, uploaded to the internet and made fun of for thousands of people to see. It’s all good!